Updated: May 20
There's been so many times in my life, events, sadness and despair that I didn't think I could ever overcome. My heart was so very broken that I could no longer find any joy in my life, any desire to go forward.
When I finally laid all this down before Jesus he allowed the Holy Spirit to come in and begin to transform my life, mind, heart and emotions.
This was not something that has taken a moment, a day, a month, or even a year. It has been the most gruleling, humbling 4 years I have ever lived.
So many tears, with days and nights sitting upon my bed in a pitch dark room talking to him, listening to him, learning from him, crying to him.
So many times being awakened to a audible voice speaking to me as I struggled to wake up and remember what I heard. Trying to make sense of it all. I have gone through days thinking it was over to only have it begin again realizing he was now working on a new subject in my life that needs to be addressed. Watching as he unfolded events around me that would require me to overcome the area he had highlighted.
They would present themselves again and again until I could grasp and learn how to overcome them.
I had so much fear of failure towards him. I feared he would grow impatient towards me. That he would leave me when I failed to grasp the lesson. That he was up there keeping tally of my every failure to be the perfect person he wanted me to be.
Instead I met the most loving, kind, compassionate Father I have ever known or dreamt of. I couldnt run him off. Even when I got mad and screamed and cried he stayed. When I told him I was nothing that he could love or use he stayed. Not only did he stay he chased after me when I grew quiet. He showed up in every moment bombarding me with his perfect love. He taught me that mercy is something he gives us a million times over, that it is never ending. He taught me how to love like he loves, with no conditions. That’s been the hardest thing to learn but he’s still working on me rentlessley.
He is so very different than what any religion has ever taught me that he is. His plan for each of us is the most perfect plan that could exist.
He wants a personal relationship with us above all else. He wants us to come to him like a child goes to their parent except he is the perfect parent. The one every little girl and boy dreams of having. He wants us to be honest with him about how we feel. Truly honest, because he already knows how we feel but he also knows that when we feel free to talk to him that it begins the healing process we need on the inside to take place.
He doesn’t care what time of day or night we call, he always answers and eagerly listens. He doesn’t lock his door and tell us to come back in the morning. When he hears us scream HELP he comes running!
The world leads us to believe that saying a prayer of repentance is all we need to do to be saved but that’s not what saves us. It’s just the beginning. Spending time in his Word and in a personal relationship is what he longs for with us. He made us to be his companions. He made us to be loved by him and for us to love him too.
He doesn’t want us to be made to love him. He wants us to want to love him. I can personally tell you that when you take time to get to know him you will not have to be made too, you will want it more than anything else in the world. I know that’s hard to imagine but I’m here to testify it’s the truth.
I was mad for so long that it seemed he had allowed me to go through so much. I wondered why a loving God would turn his back and just watch me or anyone be torn to pieces in this life.
I thought about Job and even felt like him at times wishing my birthday would just be erased and no memory of me left anywhere. Even through my temper tantrums he stayed and then allowed the Holy Spirit to teach me why I was chosen for the hardships in my life. With that knowledge came my purpose.
That I could now help others that would face the same obstacles overcome them easier. That I could personally know what each person was feeling which would give me such compassion for them. That I could learn to live and be the same perfect love that he is and created us all to be.
He knows we can’t be perfect, he knew we would need Jesus to be the perfect one but we can be perfect love if we allow him to cleanse and purify us.
I’m not saying any of this to scare anyone away from giving their heart to God. I’m saying this so you will know that it’s not a easy quick fix journey. It’s long, it’s hard. What you will truly do is begin to live for the very first time. It doesnt matter if you’re ten or fifty, once he gets a hold of you you will live! Has it been the hardest thing I’ve ever done? Yes, but oh how wonderful it feels to finally be alive with him leading my way!
How awesome it is to see all of life and people through his eyes, the eyes of love. It’s wonderful to know that I can give every burden and every sorrow to him knowing he has my back! Every fight that life presents I know he can win. He made all things and he controls all things.
What a mighty, loving God we serve!